So this Thursday I had quite the experience at the bar:
Here are some useful things you can learn from going to a bar
Story time brought to you by that weird marching band that I saw randomly parading around today in Bristol
1. Bars are for dancing (Oh this is funny by the way)
So I met this funny foreign student on the shuttle during our trip to the bar. Everyone was coming from the sick Krewella concert. Logic killed it too. Anyways me and this kid are just having the stupidest conversation which I could not even begin to tell you about. We became boys and then got to the bar and ended up going our separate ways. So later on at the bar, I saw my new friend dancing with two other of his friends. Problem is, no one else was on the dance floor yet. Part of me felt bad that these 3 dudes were out there by themselves just trying to get the party started. Part me of me was like….”Yeah I’m boutta turn up.” I went over to my new Arabic friends and started showing them how we do it here in the states. In the words of Tom Herring, “East Coast Style.” Next thing I know, another one of this dudes friends singles me out on the dance floor. In my head I’m like, “This dude doesn’t want it, he must not know I’m well versed in the school of Will Smith dance moves.” My man straight up looked me in the eyes, (Jordan Peele voice) spun around, did the most incredible split I’ve ever seen in my life, got up and walked away while his boys 8-miled “Ohh’d!” me. I looked up at the balcony for confirmation that I just got merked in a dance battle by a spinning image of Aladdin. P.S, is it spinning image or spitting image? Anyways, we all laughed.
Here’s what you need to learn: Bars are for dancing. There is no difference between sitting at home and drinking and sitting at a bar and drinking. Move around a little bit and have some fun. Plus dudes, girls love and guy who can dance. So dance, dammit.
2. Bar bathrooms are a stage for stand up comedians:
Here’s what I mean. This is the place where dudes can say whatever they want because their respective honey is not in here. Unless they are in the stall.Which at Fins they very well may be. Oh and why do girls always double up in the stall? Which brings me to my next point. Here are my go to bar bathroom jokes. If its crowded, which it will be, then I will shout out “Everyone double up, two to a urinal!” This is normally received with a few pity laughs and a weird stare from the jock who thinks it means your tough when you’re a homophobe. Being a homophobe does not mean your tough by the way, it means you’re stupid. So after that if I see someone I know I’ll say “Dude, the girls bathroom is the next one over.” This gets a few more laughs. I end my performance with a bang though. As I begin peeing I like to look down and say ‘Found it!” You’re not a bro if you can’t make fun of your own equipment, regardless of size. This draws a ton of laughs and I leave feeling like a champ.
Here’s what you need to learn: …there is no lesson here just be funny in the bar bathroom because you can
3. Two types of bar-kissing girls
A) If a girl who you are not dating kissed you on a dance floor, she most likely does not want to date you. She just thinks your a stud. In the words of Tracy Morgan, “She think you nice.” She most likely does not want a relationship. Mid-dance tonsil hockey is just an act of passion in the heat of the moment. Have fun with it. Sneak a high five to a bro after. My dudes who are looking to get wifed up but are reluctant to admit it even though we all want to get wifed up, if this happens to you just do your thing and carry on. Here is why: I once made out mid-dance with a girl from a certain South American country. This girl sat across from me in class but still was adamant that my name was Michael. I have nothing but love for this individual but this may not be the one you want to date if you are looking. We sometimes call these girls Wheat Thins because if someone says” Aye man, you want some of my Wheat Thins?” you’ll be like “…Yeah.” But you wouldn’t want Wheat Thins for the rest of your life. (We don’t really call girls Wheat Thins that was a joke, my friends and I are not that misogynistic.)
B) If a girl who you are not dating kisses you anywhere else besides the dance floor, then she probably has some sort of feelings for you. She’s interested. The dance floor kiss comes with a disclaimer; its kind of a free pass to have some innocent, youthful tongue fun. But, if a girl is off the dance floor and kisses you, then there might be a little something there. After all, this means that she didn’t mind anyone else seeing her kiss you, whether it be guys she thinks are cute or girls who may want to pursue you. We call these girls Goldfish, because that’s a snack you could have for the rest of your life and be happy with it. (again, we don’t actually call them Goldfish.)
So now your ready to have some awesome bar experiences
Game of Thrones over everything PHA